Regrets
by impsy
Summary: Kaidan goes through the motions; he's gotten good at that. But he's not letting Shepard go without a fight. 500 word Shenko drabbles inspired by the Mass Effect 3 demo. Spoilers for ME3 demo. Complete.
1. Alive

As expected, I am utterly obsessed with the Mass Effect 3 demo and the ten seconds of Kaidan we get to see. Apologies for not updating Afterparty in a while, but I've been scribbling out these demo-inspired 500 word drabbles while I'm feeling the inspiration. :) These do not take place in my "Shepard's Loyalty Mission" 'verse. Hope you enjoy. :)

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><p>You're alive.<p>

But some days, you can't quite make yourself believe that.

You teach graduates of the Ascension Project. The Alliance put you in charge of spec-op biotic soldiers. The Council made you a Spectre.

You still can't believe that. You're not Spectre material. She- yes, she is. Not you. But when they offer, and Anderson nods and gives you a look, and you realize how tired he looks, what can you say but yes?

It keeps you busy.

Your squad is full of men and women you're honored to serve with, but there's a distance that prevents you calling them friends. They go out after missions and you'll join them sometimes, but you never have much to say. Sometimes they talk about their girlfriends, wives, children, and you sit there, trying not to be consumed by regret.

You go to meetings, teach, coordinate missions, travel to the Citadel, space stations, remote colonies, hostile territory. Some days, you wake up from a nightmare and don't know where you are.

It doesn't really matter.

You haven't taken shore leave since two years ago, and it can't get much worse than that, so you decide to visit home. Your mother is ecstatic and your father stoic but proud, and you hoped that being home would make you feel something, _anything_. But it's all so small after what you've seen and you feel nothing but numbness and relief when you leave.

You try to avoid having much time on your own. You put in long hours so you can pass out once your head hits the pillow, and most of the time, you're too tired to stay up thinking.

But sometimes you'll lie awake for hours, tossing and turning as you think of your mistakes, while "never" and "can't" and "I'm sorry" echo in the emptiness of your dark apartment.

You go through the motions; you've gotten good at that. No one thinks anything is wrong with you because, technically, nothing is.

Nothing's really right, either.

You drift on, feeling directionless. The Reapers are coming, you know, but only Shepard can stop them.

You wonder if she's happy. You hope she is. You try not to, but sometimes you imagine what you'd say if you ever saw her again.

And then you do.

You're back in Vancouver – something big is going on, and you've just finished with Alliance command when you see Anderson. You greet him like the old friend he's become when you see a familiar face.

"Shepard."

She turns. "Kaidan?"

She approaches, beautiful and confident as ever, but something's changed. You always felt like she was the sun that everyone in the galaxy circled, but her light dimmed, her presence in the room unnoticed by most.

You tear your attention away and reply to Anderson, but they're called away and you smile at her as she leaves. She keeps eye contact, but doesn't return it.

You hope she will, eventually.

You leave Alliance HQ feeling happier than you have in years.


	2. Rescue

You're still waiting for orders when Alliance HQ shakes so hard you're nearly knocked off your feet.

Everything is deathly quiet and still for a moment. All the people rushing around stop in place to look at each other, hoping someone will say it's an earthquake or a pipe explosion or something else perfectly reasonable. _Not _an ancient machine race raining down destruction, not the disgraced and dismissed Shepard's crazy idea they'd been laughing about for months.

Then the building shakes again, harder, and all the windows shatter and pieces of ceiling start to fall, and the world unfreezes as the screaming begins.

"Major Alenko!"

You're trying to get a grasp on the situation, and suddenly James Vega is beside you. The building shakes again, and you look up just in time to drag your new ally out of the way as a piece of the ceiling falls where you were just standing.

"Thanks," he says, sounding a little shaken. Not that you can blame him.

The whole building is a mess, breaking apart before your eyes, and you wonder for a moment whether this place was built to withstand an attack, or if the Alliance just assumed no one would dare come at them on Earth.

Stupid.

The sun is blocked out suddenly, and everyone left alive turns in unison to the broken windows.

A Reaper has landed in the harbor.

"Is that-" Vega begins.

"A Reaper," you confirm, surprised at how steady your voice sounds.

The building shudders again, and you realize it's long past time you got out of there.

But not without Shepard.

You turn and start heading back the way you'd come, but only make it a few steps.

"'Scuse me, sir, but we can't get out that way," Vega says flatly.

You shake your head. "I'm not leaving without Shepard. And Admiral Anderson."

He crosses his arms. "Can't let you, sir. They'd court martial me."

You can't help a humorless smile at this. "I'd fight a Reaper to get to her; don't get in my way, Lieutenant."

As if summoned, the Reaper in the harbor fires its cannon, destroying the building next to you. You cover your head at an explosion so bright you can see it behind tightly closed eyes while the walls and ceiling collapse around you.

"There's no going back," Vega says, pointing toward the doorway, and he's right – the path is blocked.

You're ready to dig through rubble with your bare hands if necessary when your comm. starts working.

"This is Admiral Anderson. Report in! Anyone?"

"Admiral! Are you all right?"

"Major Alenko, is that you? What's your status?"

"Unhurt. Vega's with me. Can you get to the ship?"

"I can't raise the Normandy. You'll have to contact her. We'll meet you at the landing zone. Anderson out."

'_We_,' he'd said. Despite all the destruction, you allow yourself a moment of relief. She's all right.

"We need to go," you tell Vega. "We're getting them out of here."

"Yes sir!"


	3. Sacrifice

Thanks so much for the reviews, faves, and alerts!

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><p>It's not far from Alliance HQ to the spaceport. Normally, shuttles could take you there in a matter of minutes, or you could take a leisurely walk through the city.<p>

The walk was anything but when Reapers destroyed entire city blocks around you.

You and Vega made it outside, but even that took longer than you wanted. Power was out, stairs collapsed, entire rooms caved in on themselves. Every time you'd had to detour, your stomach had lurched in nervousness; every moment of delay was another moment of Shepard trapped on this planet, waiting for you to get her out.

Harder than the journey had been hearing the screams of those still trapped and wounded. The two of you help who you can, but once being freed they look to you for guidance, answers, reassurance, and you don't have any to give them. You tell them to get off planet if they can, or to get outside the city and find shelter somewhere isolated.

They already know that, of course, and once you run out of medi-gel, you can't offer anything more. Not when with every heartbeat you're more worried for Shepard.

_She needs me_, you think. _She might be hurt or trapped or-_

No. You and Vega are in enough danger without distracting yourself with thoughts of what could be.

"What are we gonna do for them, Major?" Vega asks after you're forced to turn away yet another group of terrified survivors looking for help.

The little girl's brown hair is matted with blood where she'd been hit by pieces of a collapsing wall, and she turns around to look at you as they leave. Her eyes are filled with tears, but she's holding them back with a familiar stubbornness.

"We've done everything we can," you reply, watching them go. You commit her face to memory as her father picks her up and carries her away. "We just have to hope they can survive until the attack ends."

_It never ends, _you think, but Vega doesn't need to know about the centuries it took the Reapers to wipe out the Protheans; that knowledge is a burden you'll share only with Shepard.

She's not the only one you're worried about; your parents live just outside Vancouver, and you hope that they escaped, but communication is down. Maybe you could send someone out to check–

But no. Everyone wants to know their loved ones are safe, and everyone wants an escort to a safe zone – if one even exists.

Sacrifices have to be made. You should know that better than anyone.

Shepard knows it; she always has, though she's so stubborn that she doesn't give up on anyone or anything without a fight. You always hear that she saved Elysium through force of will and minimal reinforcements during the Blitz. She sacrificed her own life to save Joker and the rest of you. You know she won't give up on Earth.

And you won't give up on saving her. Not again.


	4. Contact

Thanks for the reviews and everything so far! There will be two more chapters after this one (before ME3 comes out), then I'm sure I'll have a million Shenko fics to write during/after I play the game. :)

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><p>Vega's an excellent fighter, if a little reckless, and once the husk-like monsters start attacking, you're extremely grateful to have him on your side. Neither of you are wearing armor – why would you be, when you'd come to Earth for a meeting? – and without that added barrier, every shot could be deadly, especially since all your medi-gel is gone.<p>

You attempt to kill a few of the creatures on your way toward the spaceport while civilians run past you in terror. You do your best to tune them out, to focus on what's in front of you so you can survive, and the sound of their screams fades into the background like the drone of cicadas in the summer.

You spot a communication terminal that hasn't been destroyed, and a quick scan with your omni-tool reveals that it's still functional. Your armor's comm. is fine for close range, but to get in touch with the ship, you need a boost.

"Hold position!" you shout, and Vega nods without looking at you, his assault rifle held with practiced ease as he guns down a creature that hurtles toward you.

It doesn't take much to get the terminal working again, and a few moments later you've made contact.

"This is the SSV Normandy," a female voice says pleasantly. "Please state your identification and the purpose of your call."

A surge of annoyance. "This is Major Kaidan Alenko, get Joker on the line ASAP!"

"Please hold."

"We're gonna have company!" Vega shouts. He leans out from cover for some suppressing fire as three more of the creatures roar from down the street.

"Is this really Kaidan?" a voice asks with suspicion. "Or is EDI yankin' my chain?"

"Joker, thank god," you reply, sighing and leaning against the console for a moment. "You okay?"

Joker barks a bitter laugh; the screen on the terminal has broken, but he can practically see the pilot's weary grin and crooked hat. "We're alive. Which is better than I can say for most people right now. Most of the crew ran off for shore leave and half of 'em haven't made it back yet, so we're still getting the Normandy's engines going. Other than that, we're fine. Where are you? Is Shepard with you?"

"She's with Anderson, they got cut off. I'm here with Lieutenant Vega, and we need to pick them up and get out of here. Where can we meet you?"

"Hold on."

You can hear some frantic beeping in the background, along with shouts of the crew and quick footsteps echoing on the metal of the ship.

"Man, you couldn't have picked a worse place to get stuck," Joker complains. "Sending the shuttle down to meet you, but you better make it quick if you don't want to get blown up."

You wish you could relax at this, but there's still too far to go. "Thanks."

"Be careful. And Kaidan?"

"Yeah?"

"Good to have you back."

You smile. "Good to be back. See you soon."


	5. Nothing

Broke my own rule; I did my best, but I couldn't get this one to 500 words and still keep the impact. The next chapter is all done and will be the last in this fic, I'll upload it tomorrowish. Hope you enjoy. :)

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><p>The shuttle's on its way, but you and Vega have to hold position. As monsters soar across the sky in fiery arcs, you lift another pair of the creatures into the air for Vega to gun down. But two of you can only do so much.<p>

"Low on clips, sir!" Vega yells over a quick burst of gunfire.

"Evac will be here soon!" you shout back. "Better be, anyway," you mutter, looking at the sky for a glimpse of the shuttle. Between keeping yourselves alive and protecting civilians that run past, you're exhausted, with a sharp pain in your head from overuse of your abilities.

You hear a roar from behind, and before you can move, you're thrown backward into a wall with a crunch and "oof!" as the wind is knocked out of you. You gasp for breath and scramble to get up as the monster charges. You push your hands forward and throw it backward with a blue flash of biotics, using a surge of strength you know you'll regret later, when your head hurts so bad you can't see straight.

You collapse as Vega runs forward, gunning the monster down. He ejects his final thermal clip and reaches down to grasp your forearm, hauling you back to your feet just as a different kind of roar sounds from behind you. Both of you turn in unison as the shuttle lands in the street ten yards away, and two marines you don't recognize provide covering fire as you hurry aboard.

The moment to catch your breath is long enough for you to start worrying about Shepard again, the silence as you stare at the floor a sharp contrast to your whirling thoughts and thumping heart.

Once you make it on the Normandy, you rush to the cockpit just in time to hear Anderson's voice.

"Normandy! This is Anderson, do you read?"

Joker's attention is focused on starting the ship, and you answer the call, your heart pounding. "Admiral! What's your location?"

"By a downed gunship at the harbor. I'm activating its distress beacon. Send support, we've got wounded out here."

"Are you both all right?" Crackling; no response. "Admiral!"

"Get to the cargo bay," Joker says, his fingers flying over the keys. "Don't worry; we'll get 'em."

You rush down the halls. The ship's engines hum to life and everyone's thrown to the side before the motion dampeners kick in, and you arrive just in time to see the cargo bay door opening.

And there she is.

Shepard's blues are torn and dirty, but she appears unharmed. She catches sight of the ship and runs, her blonde hair streaming out behind her as she leaps across a gap to land safely in the ship. Though you reach out for her, she doesn't need your help.

Did she ever?

The two of you stare outside for a long moment. Your heart aches – for your parents, for Anderson, for the destruction of your home, for Earth.

But mostly, for Shepard.

She gazes out at the city, her face expressionless and impossible to read, and you have no idea what's going through her mind. She turns to go into the ship as if you aren't even there, but you can't just let her go.

"Shepard."

She pauses, then turns back deliberately and finally meets your eyes. Despite the short time since you last saw her, you know that everything's changed. You wish there was some kind of tension, some sign that there could be something there, the same spark you used to have.

But there's nothing.

"I'm sorry." It's not enough, but it's all you have. "For everything."

She's quiet for a long moment, then nods once. "I know," she says, then she walks past you into the ship.


	6. Living

Last chapter of this story. I'm sure I'll be writing a ton of fics while I beat ME3, so it won't be long before there are more up; I have a lot of Kaidan feelings. :3 Thanks for reading and fave-ing everyone, hope you enjoy!

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><p>She's alive.<p>

But some days, you know she can't make herself believe that.

She meets with the Council. She talks with the squad and the crew, helping them as much as she can. She stays up working long after everyone else has gone to troubled sleep.

Everyone on the squad cares about her, and they all exchange glances when they see the circles under her eyes. You all know she's the best humanity has, but she can't be _this _strong, _this _tireless – not without consequences.

Joker asks if she's talking to you, but you shake your head. You were the only one she'd show weakness to, but that was a lifetime ago, literally. You're the last one she'll ask for help; the last one she'll ever talk to, period. You're awkward, wanting to open up to her and knowing you can't.

She's changed. The warmth in her eyes is gone, replaced by coldness and a neutral expression. All her passion, her humanity has been burned away – by Cerberus, the Council, the Alliance... It kills you, thinking that she's been hurt and betrayed by so many people she trusted.

Including – especially – you.

"I'll do what I have to, at the end," she'll say, not looking at anyone. The implications make your heart ache.

She's so dedicated to being the hero that everyone so desperately needs her to be and destroying the Reapers that she's lost herself completely, and you don't know if she can ever find her way back.

You know that look in her eyes because you had it for years.

Eventually, you can't take it anymore, and after an evening of trying to work up the courage, you head up to her quarters, your heart pounding. You're preparing to call out to her when you hear muffled voices on the other side of the door.

"-over Elysium." You don't recognize her mother's voice at first – it's been more than two years since you last spoke to her, at Shepard's funeral. "There's nothing you could have done, and you know it."

"How can you _say _that?" Irien demands. "If I got everyone cooperating faster-"

"Iri..." She sounds tired. Exhausted. "He wouldn't want us to blame ourselves."

"I know. I'm sorry."

A long pause. "I should go. I don't want them finding you."

"Just- be careful, okay? I can't-" Shepard's voice catches. "I can't lose both of you."

"You too, sweetheart. I love you."

"Love you too, mom."

The silence is deafening, and instinct takes over and you open her door. She's standing near her desk and turns around as you enter, her eyes red and teary.

You just look at each other for a long moment, and you wonder if she's going to throw you out when she finally speaks.

"Kaidan-"

That's all it takes. You close the gap and wrap her in your arms as she sobs against your chest.

"It's okay," you whisper. "It'll all be okay."

You're both alive.

But maybe now, you can finally start living.


End file.
